leg pain, inception, and phone interviews

It's two in the morning and I couldn't sleep if you paid me to. I'll take the money though. It seems like as soon as I free myself from some debt, I find more. It's not that I'm terribly in debt at all. In fact I don't use credit cards anymore. I haven't for years. I long ago transferred my balances to a zero interest card and have been paying the minimum on that since. I somehow talked myself into buying Blazers season tickets during the playoffs this year. It's worth it, but holy crap, I could have used that money to pay off the Lexus in short order.

My leg hurts and it doesn't really make sense to me. I always saw people in movies or even real life who had issues with chronic pain and I could understand, because they had an amputation or serious nerve damage from burns. I guess I have serious nerve damage. The vastus lateralis is one of the largest muscles in the human body. Mine was torn in half. The femoral nerve has a major cluster of nerves that go through where my quad was torn. I suppose that explains why I've experienced pain all the way from the bottom of my foot to my hip since my injury 13 months ago.

I never really take anything for the pain. It is always there but most of the time I manage to block it out mentally. It's when I'm sitting still and not preoccupied that I start to notice the pain, and some days or nights it is worse than others.

I'm listening to Hans Zimmer's "Time" right now. I found an extended 1 hour version on youtube because I've found it helps me sleep most nights. I guess this isn't one of them. You might remember the song as the theme music from "Inception".

Lately I feel like I have been incepted by my ex every night. Most recently she was throwing away all of my stuff that she didn't like. Funny how she's still managing to do annoying crap when I haven't talked to her for a long time. Get out of my head, seriously. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" what a nightmare.

I would like to be well rested tomorrow because I have two phone interviews. One is for a job that I finally feel would challenge me like MyGym did. It's actually a similar position. It's a Principal Trainer/Instructional Designer position at Bend Memorial Clinic, and it's kind of a big deal. For one thing, I'd be in charge of a large portion of a major project spanning several clinics in the Bend area. That's a lot of responsibility, and I feel ready to take it on. For another thing, this would be a major step up from what I'm doing now. It's essentially leapfrogging a few spots above where I am now in the same field of work. I would be designing curriculum and workflow to train people who would then be the trainers who train other people. Yep, pretty much exactly what I did at MyGym!

I still think about how large my role became at MyGym before I left. I started there at the bottom, and after many of my own objections, David (who ran the company, despite what the CEO would like to think) successfully took me under his wing until I was training the majority of the new teachers at the gym. I even got to have my own assistant, who of course was my other best friend at the time, Gavin.

Anyways the phone interview is with 5 people at BMC, and as confident as I am it's still a little unreal. I lived in the real eastern Oregon my freshman year of high school, and that was beautiful, but super isolated. Bend on the other hand is an up and coming town in central Oregon that has grown considerably over the past 20 years. Oregon State University even opened a campus there a few years back.

The second phone interview I have is with a major high level guy in the Elevator industry, which Forbes called the #1 blue collar job in America.

Well despite my leg being a total pain, I really need to at least close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

Good morning, and if I don't see you; good afternoon good evening and good night.

random babble about life and 'love'

It's so easy when you're single and alone to go through life saying that you're happy. How many of us tell ourselves that we love the freedom of being unattached?

Of course it's important to be happy. To live your life to the fullest and enjoy each moment, knowing that it could be your last.

The desire to be with someone should be second to your desire to be happy and content. Wanting not to be alone is part of our biological coding right? We are all programmed to spread our seed and continue to propagate humanity. Could there be more to it than that?

There are some people in the world who feel it's their mission to make the world a better place. These people don't necessarily believe that making more babies is the answer. They are happy, making the world better, and aren't obsessed over a biological clock.

Some choose to go through the regular motions of every day life, and do their best to be a good person in the process. I find myself in that category and I wonder if I've spent a large part of my life wasting time.

At the end of my twenties I find myself single, never having finished college, and doing a job that seems unnecessary to the betterment of humanity. Granted, I joined the Coast Guard for that reason, but I've come out of that damaged and having not really made any difference.

Now it's back to square one. I accepted years ago that I need to set aside my selfish urges to chase money and power. I decided that happiness was paramount long ago, and that I should be a good person towards others to the best of my ability. Despite that decision which sounds so noble and altruistic, I cannot ignore the urge that is ingrained within me.

I also cannot let it run my life. I don't want to be another person pining for the soul of someone I've never met.

There are some people out there who strike me like a gong when I meet them. I have met many of these spirits, each of them flying through their lives seeking nothing but the moment they are living in. They somehow avoid mourning the events of the past or living always in fear of the future.

These kindred spirits are always on a path, always headed for some destination separate from my own. In today's high tech world I can easily follow along with them on their journeys and they on mine, but the connection we had in the physical world was fleeting, and has long since gone away.

NMESI (does that sound like some African word?)

NMESI, or the National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation (Miraikan) in Odaiba, is an interesting place to hang out.

On a chilly and windy Thursday afternoon, I made my transfer at Futako Tamagawa to the Oimachi line. All the way to Oimachi, an old lady commented to her older husband (70?) about how torn up my pants are. Of course it's obvious how gaijin I am because I am the only one who feels completely overheated by the obsessive amount of warmth coming from these trains on a slightly chilly fall day. Sorry, but I am from Oregon and probably right now it is freezing rain your ass off...

I make it to Oimachi and go down what like 4 long deescalators (deescalate?) So deep underground that it felt kind of eerie. 4 More stops to Tokyo Teleport, the central station of the Odaiba area island. I get off the train, fully conscious that everyone thinks that I am crazy wearing a tee-shirt. I honestly feel great and the wind is amazing. It's a great day to explore a new place. So I start walking around. Meeting a friend at the next line over, I start walking for that station. Then a text.. she plans to go to another station. Whatever!! I look at the map, which doesn't include that station, so I just go down the stairs and start walking, but I am a little turned around. Luckily there is a Koban right at the bottom of the stairs. I ask the police officers, whose job seems to be giving directions most of the time. I guess it's on the far end of the island. I start walking.

Wow, what a long walk! Maybe I should have hopped on the train!! Whatever.. I feel amazing. I am high on life. I head to the designated rally point and eventually Em and I meet up at the station. Onward to the museum, a mere 500 yen for what might be a good match for OMSI (the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry).

We arrive at the Museum, and there are 50 school kids putzing about outside. To be expected from a Museum right? We go inside, and WABAAMMMMMMM! FREE DAY!!! BOOYAA! For me, an already good day off just got better (sorry but I worked 6 days last week and probably 15 in the last 2 weeks). So free admission and we go inside to check things out.. and of course it's even more cool in some undescribable way than OMSI. It's more modern, newer, warmer, it feels more well designed and less cold and less like a factory.

So after exploring the Museum, we head over to Lotteria, where I sufficiently oversalt the fries and make a spectacle of the whole thing (my final conclusion is that lotteria is just not that great of a place to eat). Yes E.T., the nuggets did taste like crap. Then a walk to the station and back to lotteria to pick up a left behind bag (oops!!).

Off to the Izakaya in Gotanda for more 50 yen beers and endless ranting about work. Woo! Life is too short not to do what you want, right?

I will come back to NMESI to experience the awesome optical trip of the LED pictures and the sound trick stage (CRAZY PRIMATES!!).

Overall, what a great day. Let's hope my Monday (which lands on a Friday) happens to be even a fraction as awesome as today, and I will be a lucky guy.

Walk, Run, Bike, Limp

It was around 00:30, the end of a brief night of drinking. I was standing on that last train from Shibuya, looking up gravely at the sign that is telling me that I will be finding my own way home from Saginuma. I have said before so many times that I welcome the challenge, so it is only poetic that it shall happen unexpectedly.

I get off the train and head outside with the others, most of whom I doubt are as far from home as I am. Most of the people head over to one of two bus stops and a taxi stand. I look at the two bus stops and decipher that both are going the better part of my journey. So I stand in the line of the bus which is going a couple of towns closer, to Aobadai. I watch as the bus fills, and still a full busload of people ahead of me, my hopes diminish quickly as the bus pulls away. Most of the people head over to the taxi stand at this point. I refuse to, having once paid nearly 10,000 yen for a taxi. That's a hundred dollars I could use elsewhere.

So I do what any guy in a drunken stupor would do. I checked my bearings, and started walking for home. I had no idea what distance it was, but I was sure it was going to be a get-there-in-the-morning type of walk. Only 30 minutes or so has past since my landing in Saginuma, and I've already made measureable progress, between speedwalking and half-jogging. I am walking up and down the hills in Tama-Plaza when a young guy jogs past me. I'm still feeling a little tipsy and gregarious, so I decide after a short deliberation to break into a jog after him. I soon catch up to him, listening to his ipod, and politely say hello and request his company until our jogging paths diverge. He obliges, and saves me much trouble by speaking in my native tongue. His english is pretty good and in the conversation I glean that he learned it travelling through southeast Asia, having never visited an "english as a first language" country. At the end of our journey together, I ask him if he enjoys the occasional drink (as he has already asked me if I had been drinking). I take down his number into my phone, and after asking him for directions to the next town over, I head in that direction.

I didn't get far before my stores of energy exploded into a jog. Having worked that day, I still had my clothes in my backpack, so I stopped after breaking into a sweat. Seeing nowhere else to change, I stood on the sidewalk and waited for the only person in sight to walk by. Much to the enjoyment of the people passing by on the busy highway in the comfort of their automobiles, I then proceeded to strip down to my boxers and socks, and change out of my jeans and polo into my trusty tee and athletic pants. Off I went, and went and went. I must have ran a couple of kilometers before stopping for a break, then going right back into a jog and a run again. Arriving in the next town, I am feeling confident. I know the largest portion of the journey still remains as I am now only in Azamino, several train stops away. I walk up to a couple of high-school-ish looking kids hanging out in the street, a guy and girl. In all reality they are probably out of high school, but we all know how young Japanese people look. I ask for directions towards home, and the guy looks as if I just asked him to solve a calculus problem. He either doesn't know what town I am referring to, which is unlikely, or he is genuinely shocked that I am asking him for directions to somewhere that he would never voluntarily walk to. His directions prove to be unhelpful, and I try to ask a man who has just finished a conversation with a coworker after their shift. He ignores me despite several attempts to get his attention. Okay jerk, thanks for nothing. I walk into the convenience store and the owner is perplexed, sending me across the street to the other convenience store (yeah they are really convenient here in Japan). The guys there have a good laugh and tell me that there are taxis nearby. This is proving to be harder than I thought.

I finally come across some construction workers who point me to their elder, a 70 something man who tells me that the town I am looking for is a stop on this train line. Little good that does me at 3 am. Not wanting to wait 2 and a half hours for the train to come, I just keep walking. At this point my confidence is becoming exhausted, despite my physical energy. The hills look endless and I am wondering why I never noticed them on the train every day. As soon as I reach the top, there are only several more hills to follow. Just as I am thinking about how many hours this could take, something happens which lifts my spirits.

I look to my left and there it is. A poor lonely pre-teen boy's bike, beaten and neglected and left like yesterday's newspaper on the side of the road. It is bent, rusted, and pathetic looking, but it has no lock, and I am only borrowing it! Sorry kid. I pump those little pedals like no other, and conquer the hills with gusto. At the top of every hill, each of which is harder than the last to climb, I rejoice at the coasting I get to do until I reach the next incline. I stop at a convenience store near the top of a hill, and the guy inside does me little good. I pedal on and find yet another convenience store (honestly what would I do without these things?). I walk inside and ask for directions and the guy does something amazing. He pulls out a MAP. I gesture to myself, as if I just hit a 3 pointer. He shows me the map, and of course my joy is defused when I see that my bedroom is still not even close to being on his map, which gets me only just past Tana. So off I go, thanking the guy for actually showing me the kindness and consideration to actually pull out his map (I am sure all of these other convenience store guys had maps too, but never bothered caring enough to pull it out).

After pedaling my way in the direction of home for some time, I finally converge on a familiar spot. I recognize where I am! The rice paddies, the two rivers meeting, I am just past Nagatsuda!! I pedal a short distance down the river (having walked out this far from home before). After confirming that I am indeed where I think I am, I set the bike aside. I hope that someone else makes the same use of it as I did, although it really is falling apart. As I get off of the two wheeler, I feel the abuse that I have inflicted upon myself. My left hamstring and my right achilles are completely sore, and the several kilometer walk back home turned into more of a hobble, but I am happy despite the distance. I got in at 4:18 am, well before the time that one of my unhelpful citizens told me "Naruse, Machida? HA-HA-HA, GOOD MORNING! HA-HA-HA." Eat it buddy, the sun didn't come up for at least an hour!

Zombies?

Really? Zombies?

So I am at my old high school, Corvallis High School (or the dreamy variation). Unfortunately, it's torn down now, but that was irrelevant in this dream. So yeah, that's when the Zombies attack. Now just because I was at high school, does not mean that I was high school age again. In fact, I believe I was a high school gym teacher, which isn't too far off from real life. I remember thinking: "Great, here I am stuck at high school with a bunch of broody and/or nerdy kids and a zombie invasion." So anyways, me and the 5 or so stars of my zombie high school movie run through the school and another teacher and I are locking the doors behind us. Once we are in the gym, I instruct everyone to go about finding good head lopping weapons. Mine is some sort of big freaking sickle sword thing like you might have seen in Braveheart. Okay, why again do I have ancient war weapons in my gymnasium?

So we are fighting off the zombies and doing okay, although the sinking feeling is always there that yes, they will eventually get through these locked doors and eat our brains. I see the finally working their way through and I head over to the door to greet the first one. I hold on tight to the door, like you would do when your sibling is trying to get into the room or the house and you are on the other side trying desperately to keep up the mean prank. Just then I decide to address the poor zombie kid. "Hey dude, can you stop trying to get in here?" I ask him politely. "But I really want to come in." He replied. "Okay, but I am going to have to break your neck or something so that you won't eat me." I suggest as if it's not an affront to his life. "Alright man", he says, and I let him in. I instruct him to sit down on the chair I was using to try to help me block the door, and he obliges. I start to break his neck, but it's not doing the trick. "Why aren't you dying?" I ask him. "I don't know man, but could you get right there?" Suddenly I have become his personal chiropractor or something. "Seriously dude? Okay, but stop trying to bite my hand, or you're going to turn me into a zombie too." So I finally snap his head all the way around 180 degrees and he thanks me, although it doesn't make him any less a walking talking zombie. I give up on it, and instruct him to go on back through the door.

Containment. It's days or weeks later now, I can't really tell because in the dream it was pretty seamless. We are sitting in the office now (a pretty big office for a high school now that I think about it), but yeah we are sitting in the office and someone has kindly hung up photos of all of the people lost to the zombie infestation. I am looking at the photos, one in particular, a balding man that I remember being with me in the gym before he was lost trying to hold the zombies off. I am thinking about how terrible it is to have lost a friend, when he walks off of the elevator and into the room, as if nothing had happened. I had only enough time to mentally react, thinking what the hell? When I woke up.

Antagonist

I came to the realization that yesterday I was being kind of a jerk to my friends. Now I do normally act a little cocky and that's just an unfortunate part of my personality. I noticed though a couple of annoying retorts I spat out yesterday, just thinking of the most negative things that came to my mind instantly, regardless of whether they may have been tactless or just mean.

Some things were small and nitty, such as when a friend says "I like how they integrated the buttons into the touchpad" referring to the new MBP (macbookpro for the uninitiated). Now Instead of lauding what is actually a nice feature and that I kind of like, I thought of the first negative thing that came to my mind: "I dunno, it's kind of gimmicky." probably because of a bias against Apple computer that was ingrained in me from a very young age. It's a sad thing since despite their pitfalls, Apple has always been consistently ahead in a lot of places that count, namely visual, tactile, and overall user interface. Okay, so I could create a completely new blog post about this, so let's get back to me being a negative nancy.

The above example was only one of the small, nitty things that I was a downer about. The worse things are more shameful, like just being a jerk beyond any comedic point, and disagreeing with everything for the sake of it.

Conditioning? I think I have maybe made myself used to a climate of fighting and bickering in the past, and I snapped back into that mode. Sometimes I wish I could reach back into the past and kind of give myself a slap in the face.

I should take a vow of silence just to see how much negative crap pops into my head. It's too easy for me to just say whatever is on my mind, unfiltered. Anyways, enough self loathing. I will try to not be such a sourpuss.

Insomnia

Content, comfortable, conked out. When I am asleep it's all I really want. I could sleep all day if I have no reason to be awake. Last night I couldn't sleep and I chalked it up to sleeping in the night before. The restless, eye darting, staring at the ceiling and contemplating thoughts can last for hours if I just don't feel like sleeping. So of course last night I did what any reasonable person would do. I grabbed a tired old Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, popped it into the portable dvd player, and simultaneously watched it and two different football games (actually it was more like 6). I also did some net surfing, not that it made any difference. What I probably should have done (and should be doing now) is gone outside and just run to exhaustion. If every person who suffers from "night owl mode", "insomnia", "graveyard workers hours" or whatever you want to call it, if every one of us just focused all of our energy into night runs, or cleaning up trash from the streets, or something else actually productive, the world would probably be a much better place. Nope, instead people such as myself choose to rehash dumb old movies, or surf the net as if anything has changed since the last time you checked it. Maybe if I spent more of my waking hours doing something with my energy like working towards my goals (the pipeline aka superman school), then I could probably take the PAST in two weeks and max out my score. Of course if I did that, who would drink all this beer in my fridge and eat these delicious potato chips? Somebody has to do it.