leg pain, inception, and phone interviews

It's two in the morning and I couldn't sleep if you paid me to. I'll take the money though. It seems like as soon as I free myself from some debt, I find more. It's not that I'm terribly in debt at all. In fact I don't use credit cards anymore. I haven't for years. I long ago transferred my balances to a zero interest card and have been paying the minimum on that since. I somehow talked myself into buying Blazers season tickets during the playoffs this year. It's worth it, but holy crap, I could have used that money to pay off the Lexus in short order.

My leg hurts and it doesn't really make sense to me. I always saw people in movies or even real life who had issues with chronic pain and I could understand, because they had an amputation or serious nerve damage from burns. I guess I have serious nerve damage. The vastus lateralis is one of the largest muscles in the human body. Mine was torn in half. The femoral nerve has a major cluster of nerves that go through where my quad was torn. I suppose that explains why I've experienced pain all the way from the bottom of my foot to my hip since my injury 13 months ago.

I never really take anything for the pain. It is always there but most of the time I manage to block it out mentally. It's when I'm sitting still and not preoccupied that I start to notice the pain, and some days or nights it is worse than others.

I'm listening to Hans Zimmer's "Time" right now. I found an extended 1 hour version on youtube because I've found it helps me sleep most nights. I guess this isn't one of them. You might remember the song as the theme music from "Inception".

Lately I feel like I have been incepted by my ex every night. Most recently she was throwing away all of my stuff that she didn't like. Funny how she's still managing to do annoying crap when I haven't talked to her for a long time. Get out of my head, seriously. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" what a nightmare.

I would like to be well rested tomorrow because I have two phone interviews. One is for a job that I finally feel would challenge me like MyGym did. It's actually a similar position. It's a Principal Trainer/Instructional Designer position at Bend Memorial Clinic, and it's kind of a big deal. For one thing, I'd be in charge of a large portion of a major project spanning several clinics in the Bend area. That's a lot of responsibility, and I feel ready to take it on. For another thing, this would be a major step up from what I'm doing now. It's essentially leapfrogging a few spots above where I am now in the same field of work. I would be designing curriculum and workflow to train people who would then be the trainers who train other people. Yep, pretty much exactly what I did at MyGym!

I still think about how large my role became at MyGym before I left. I started there at the bottom, and after many of my own objections, David (who ran the company, despite what the CEO would like to think) successfully took me under his wing until I was training the majority of the new teachers at the gym. I even got to have my own assistant, who of course was my other best friend at the time, Gavin.

Anyways the phone interview is with 5 people at BMC, and as confident as I am it's still a little unreal. I lived in the real eastern Oregon my freshman year of high school, and that was beautiful, but super isolated. Bend on the other hand is an up and coming town in central Oregon that has grown considerably over the past 20 years. Oregon State University even opened a campus there a few years back.

The second phone interview I have is with a major high level guy in the Elevator industry, which Forbes called the #1 blue collar job in America.

Well despite my leg being a total pain, I really need to at least close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

Good morning, and if I don't see you; good afternoon good evening and good night.

random babble about life and 'love'

It's so easy when you're single and alone to go through life saying that you're happy. How many of us tell ourselves that we love the freedom of being unattached?

Of course it's important to be happy. To live your life to the fullest and enjoy each moment, knowing that it could be your last.

The desire to be with someone should be second to your desire to be happy and content. Wanting not to be alone is part of our biological coding right? We are all programmed to spread our seed and continue to propagate humanity. Could there be more to it than that?

There are some people in the world who feel it's their mission to make the world a better place. These people don't necessarily believe that making more babies is the answer. They are happy, making the world better, and aren't obsessed over a biological clock.

Some choose to go through the regular motions of every day life, and do their best to be a good person in the process. I find myself in that category and I wonder if I've spent a large part of my life wasting time.

At the end of my twenties I find myself single, never having finished college, and doing a job that seems unnecessary to the betterment of humanity. Granted, I joined the Coast Guard for that reason, but I've come out of that damaged and having not really made any difference.

Now it's back to square one. I accepted years ago that I need to set aside my selfish urges to chase money and power. I decided that happiness was paramount long ago, and that I should be a good person towards others to the best of my ability. Despite that decision which sounds so noble and altruistic, I cannot ignore the urge that is ingrained within me.

I also cannot let it run my life. I don't want to be another person pining for the soul of someone I've never met.

There are some people out there who strike me like a gong when I meet them. I have met many of these spirits, each of them flying through their lives seeking nothing but the moment they are living in. They somehow avoid mourning the events of the past or living always in fear of the future.

These kindred spirits are always on a path, always headed for some destination separate from my own. In today's high tech world I can easily follow along with them on their journeys and they on mine, but the connection we had in the physical world was fleeting, and has long since gone away.